Why Is It Hard To Find A “Good Man”?

Why is it hard to find a “good man” these days? I’ve wanted to write a little piece on this forever now because I often feel it is difficult to ever fully explain and encapsulate my deepest thoughts on the subject when I am most provoked to do so. Also, I am passionate about always bettering myself and I feel when I can organize my thoughts occasionally by writing – I prove to be much more helpful to others with articulating what I know when it is crucial to be in the moment. In addressing this question I hear from single gals, I want to discuss “the struggle” in the matter and what I see as a Christian to be the solution, but first I must define what I mean by a “good man”. This “good man” I am talking about is the man that women are longing to meet in the pursuit of marriage – a man well suited for marriage and family rearing. Also, it is important to note that I am not describing the scenario of only Christian women longing for their ideal Christian husband. What I want to talk about is the modern search for a “good man” in general – for both women that claim to be Christians and those that do not. Sadly, it seems this struggle to find a “good man” is only getting more and more complicated and frustrating for both sides and most disturbingly, the Christian women are often handling their predicament the same as the nonbeliever. Really, it’s not either of yalls fault ladies! You have been sold a HUGE LIE!

I know even after hearing some hard truths – you may still decide the lie is worth it to you some how and that you will keep what you bought instead of feeling like you wasted your money (your years believing what you believed). I really want to believe that most of you have just never thought of things from this angle and are innocently stuck in “the struggle”. Personally, as a believer, I know that my job isn’t to yell at you and try to change your mind - only God can change people. I just aim to be a good listener when my friends want to open up, but ultimately as well, I know if I really love them, I must share the truth I see. It would bring me such joy to see more ladies thriving in their spiritual life, their relationships, and just being able to experience a more fulfilled and vivid life! Just to clarify again – this is not because I think I “have it all together” – I just know that when my relationship with my husband is stressed I can only find peace through the Lord and wisdom to move forward through Him and want to share that hope with other women. I absolutely want to be available if my friends ever need a shoulder to cry on or need to vent (those are great excuses to break out the coffee and chocolate!), but it is really a treasure to be able to celebrate milestones with them and see them living their best lives! Wouldn’t you agree?! Being so blessed with my husband that I met quite young, it really breaks my heart for girlfriends and even just acquaintances I know that are stuck in this rut and wrapped up in this lie. One dear friend tells me that she feels over a decade of her life has been wasted in this struggle thus far. That is downright terrible! She is a beautiful woman and has so many great virtues and talents – she could be a super mom and wife! It’s time we talk about this big fat LIE. This big fat lie was disguised in a modern term and structure called DATING…

Today’s society tells young women that it is SO “exciting” to go on dates and that you absolutely can’t “miss out” on this period of your life where you are “free” and get to just “enjoy yourself” and that “really it is best to try things out with several people so you know what you really want in a relationship”. Well… You know what that means – casual sex. Yes, it must be talked about. There is no getting around how infused this issue and sexual intimacy are. Society tells women that casual sex “liberates you” and this is how you feel “empowered” as a woman and not “suppressed by religious structure” – “FREE” to do what you want, feel good how you want, with whomever you want, whenever you want.. with “no consequences”... The Wikipedia defines casual sex as, “… sexual activity that takes place outside a romantic relationship and implies an absence of commitment, emotional attachment, or familiarity between sexual partners. Examples are sexual activity while casually dating, one-night stands, premarital sex, prostitution, or swinging.” Chick-flicks and other media promote that in “dating life” you can have the “best of both worlds” - romance after romance and then eventually when you are ready to “settle down”, have had your fun and figured out what you really want, THEN you find Mr. Right – that “good man” – and the two of you just hit it off and live happily ever after. Many girls and women that consider themselves Christians are even swept into this modern search for a “good man” and date by basically the same standards as a non-Christian (I will write more on this issue another time because that is a whole new depth in itself). So, if dating was really all it was sold to you as – there should be fulfilled, happy women everywhere, right? That’s how you know it’s all a big lie…

This lie started with feminism. The word “Feminism” was not widely used until the mid to late-1900s, though according to most historians, the feminism movement broke ground in the United States in 1848. It’s really been the last 50 years (give or take) in my opinion that feminism has started to reveal itself to be the oxymoron it is. Feminists claimed they were FOR other women and are ALL about making women’s lives happier and more “fair” with the push for women to vote, women to enter the realm of college to find “equality” and more “fulfillment” in the workplace sphere, and so on… Interestingly, the more and more feminism has snuck in and changed how men and women view each other and what they think of their unique God-given roles – the more women’s happiness has been on the steady decline, and divorce rates have soared! In the book, Encyclopedia of Gender and Society, Volume I, edited by Jodi O’Brien, she writes, "Different institutions were becoming more prominent in the lives of young men and women, such as school, college, and workplaces, which exposed them to a large pool of potential dating partners. As a result, the purpose of dating was primarily to have fun, not to find a marriage partner. However, couples would form after several dates if they were interested in having more exclusive relationships." Tragically, dating had almost completely replaced courtship by the mid-1920s. The first thing that is obvious here is that courting was very successful in getting people MARRIED (not to even mention – women were happier – we’ll get to that). Women were not spending all their youth on a roller coaster of “highs and heartaches” trying to find that “good man”. You see, feminism really just destroys the wholesomeness, joy, and beautiful, peaceful unity of marriage and family – it is really not a pro-women movement and certainly not pro-family.

Let’s talk about voting, lifestyle and ultimate fulfillment. You may be surprised, but I am actually not against women voting these days – mainly because - unless all women stop voting, it is extremely necessary for us more traditionally valued women to put in our two cents. There are so many women voting now that are not voting in the best interest of wholesomeness, safety for families, and not even in the best interest of themselves (unknowingly obviously). The fact that I vote and encourage other Bible-believing women to - does NOT mean that I think it is okay to have a divided household. Naturally, and ideally, a healthy Biblical couple is going to vote the same because their life is about the family unit, they are both happy to prioritize what is good for the family, NOT “selfish secular personal motives”. Do you see how “the baby has been thrown out with the bathwater” here? Even if you are not a Christian, hopefully, this helps clarify the vital importance and purpose of Biblical marriage/ traditional gender roles (ordained by God). You see, back in the day, when women didn’t vote, the majority did not feel “oppressed” by this because the majority had tradition marriages and households and it was only natural (and really beautiful and peaceful I’ll add) that the husband and wife shared the same beliefs and generally agreed on important matters and just wanted what was best for the family. Very simple. This meant they were a lovely unit that only really needed one vote anyway because why would it be healthy in the first place for men and women to marry and raise children together if they did not share the same beliefs? It was Feminism that came along and sold women the idea that “YOU deserve better - if you concentrated more on what YOU want and less on wifely and motherly duties, then YOU will finally have the opportunity to experience the excitement and enjoy all that “freedom” that new women’s rights have to offer!” Well… It turns out, God is still right – He does not change with the times. [Hebrews 13:8, Malachi 3:6] Studies show that women still report feeling more fulfilled and happier when doing things that give them an outlet to express their nurturing spirit and care for others – especially toward their family. This is how we were designed to thrive and be our most fulfilled selves. Marriage and children can be stressful no doubt, and it’s not all butterflies and rainbows, BUT you know what? Even modern wives and mothers that feel like they are at the end of their rope most days, hardly getting sleep, and have little time for personal hobbies – are STILL more fulfilled at the end of the day than the single Victoria Secret model that lives the “high life” in NYC or the busy CEO career women that works and dates and doesn’t “have time” to be bothered with the “drag” that a committed relationship and children would put on her “ME, ME, ME focused” life.

The truth is that those spicy “chick-flick” style dates are not real at all for the majority of women and even if some women claim it is all it’s cracked up to be – it is simply not healthy for her and will eventually show. It is as a viper she has become too entranced with to notice it’s poison dripping fangs sunk deep into her. The danger lies in the high probability that if a woman like this continues in this toxic rut, she will lower her worth and ability to truly experience REAL love, emotionally connected exhilarating sex, and fulfilling family life and purpose. I once heard a good metaphor describing casual sex that used the example of duct tape. It was explained as follows: Imagine you are a strip of duct tape and everyone you have intimacy with is another piece of duct tape and to be intimate you must be applied to each other and stuck together. Now you can imagine how powerfully two pieces of duct tape (sticky side facing each other) would be glued together basically. Now imagine that you have to forcibly rip these two pieces apart! This is what happens when you have a breakup or “move on”. What is most important to observe is that you cannot leave each other without the violent ripping apart, and when you do, you are both damaged and lose some of your “sticking/ bonding quality” … And each… and every… time this happens… You lose more and are damaged more… Before too long, you have nothing else to give and are ruined. Of course, no one is too ruined for our good Lord to take under His wing – we’ve all heard of how he can bring goodness from ashes. This is just a metaphor that really points out the horrific and tragic hard truth of damage that is done through dating… And somehow even with all of this despair – people are still worried about how “suppressive” and “demeaning” it was for women to be “subjected” to being housewives back in the day… People just parrot what they HEAR the most and SEE the most and what is “trendy” to talk about.

So what is the solution? Does this “good man” that you are searching for really exist? What I really mean is that do you realize that in order to find the thing you’re searching for you must search correctly? A gentleman I really think a lot of always says, “In order to get the right answers, you must ask the right questions.” Here’s a super modern example for you. If you were to take to Google Web Search to find an answer to a question (or to find any content), you would likely type something and click “search” or push “enter” … Then… If you did not find what you were searching for, you would try something different until you got it right! You would NOT sit there and enter the same text over and over and over again and think you would get a different outcome obviously. What if somehow there was a perfect formula for finding a “good man”? What if someone had done all the hard work for you and have just the right instructions to give you so you would have the highest possible opportunity of achieving success in finding your “happily ever after”. Well, I’m here to tell you (or if you’re a Christian – remind you), that there are instructions. It is called the Bible and God’s perfectly thought-out and beautifully created roles for men and women! What a relief! I am certainly thankful! No relationship is easy – they all take work – but I cannot imagine trying to navigate the trials and dark days without God’s Word. Even very committed Christians are merely human and fall into sin regularly and have difficult periods in their marriage, but the difference is they have an instruction manual (the Bible), Holy Spirit inside of them, and a very merciful Savior to forgive them and take the weight of sin off their shoulders when they are truly sorry and ask for forgiveness. Turning your life over to Christ and deciding to strive your hardest to obey His law, doesn’t guarantee things will change for you overnight, but it is the ONLY sure way to begin your journey again healthily – no matter how deep you feel you’ve plummeted in sin – He has sufficient mercy and grace to cleanse you and heal you. He is a good God that we will never deserve, we can only thank Him each day for his taking the burden of our sins for us at Calvary.

In closing, and simply put, when men and women decide to spit out the foul and poisonous taste of modern dating culture and begin to thirst for the truth and properly seek only wholesome marriage in their search for a “good man” – THEN will we see women’s happiness (the longevity thereof) and true fulfillment rise. If you like what you’re doing and the results you are getting, then don’t mind me over here truth-seeking. ;) If you do feel moved by anything I tried my best to bring light to here, and are inspired to change your ways for the better, I promise you there will not be any “I told you so” from me! I will just be so over-the-moon-THRILLED for your mental, emotional, and physical safety and wellbeing and look forward to seeing you handle your “struggle” with new vibrant hope and feminine grace that inspires even more people. Please know dear reader, I genuinely care for you and am here for you if you need a listening ear, prayers, and a tight hug!... (even if it’s only virtually – don’t hesitate to reach out!) Don’t lose hope single ladies! There is a life way more worth living out there! My husband and daughter inspire me daily and though there are hardships as well – the blessings and joy of a Christ-centered life overfloweth! It is because of the intensity of this joy I have been blessed to experience, that causes my heart to ache when I see you dear friends in distress or unfulfilled in life. I want so badly for you to be able to feel what I feel! It is indescribable at times… Please hear me out - modern dating is not a true search for a husband and family… My humble advice would be to try focusing on bettering yourself and searching with chastity, modesty, and patience to find that “good man” and you will be blessed… [Proverbs 16:20, Luke 11:28]

If you are interested in changing how you search for your future husband or just curious about what the finalities of Biblical relationships should look like, you may find the following article helpful for further details: https://www.boundless.org/relationships/biblical-dating-how-its-different-from-modern-dating/ . I do not endorce this entire website, but I do think this article itself would be helpful for a truth seeking soul on this subject.

In entire sincerity and girl-to-girl/ heart-to-heart care, your truth-seeking friend,

Megan Elise <3